puja-shah

Smoke scents whisper,

from your sleeping sounds.

Eyes flutter,

toes meet toes,

heart beats sync to

Dreams…

of you.

Something

about the way

the ground felt

on her American heels

Unsteady, but ready

Emotions of a new path ran through her toes

Each step

The feeling of raw earth

Like a child learning to walk

Voices filled her

Heart.

Her grandmother’s

sister, brother, best friend

Sounded like roots

Familiar, but distant

Loving

With a strength

that stayed with her.

More than just memories

Scents seeped into her mind

Ginger chai with tulsi leaves and fresh mint

were her aunt’s prayers in the morning

pencil shavings and old book pages

and she was beside her cousins who studied until late hours of the night

Folds of silk saris,

bowls of turmeric,

gasoline seeping from rickshaws

and she was at the market

drinking fresh coconut water with her mother.

Something

about the way

the air fell on her skin

that encompassed the rhythm of a whole city

of a place that started

to feel like

home.

spiritual or something

kind of like…

visiting a past life

she was still living in.

This rhythm…

that was hard to find a genre for

wasn’t the jazz of NY,

or new age of California

It was complex

Like some underground joint no one ever heard of

mixed with

a beat she couldn’t get out of her head,

lyrics that she started humming,

Like a song she always knew.

it was just…

something…

She always knew.

New wind blows gently with scents of you

Leaves change colors

Refreshing heart, soul, mind

It was you,

My first love,

who taught me what its like,

to feel comfort being in my own skin.

You taught me about culture,

with mommy’s Jewish boss and our Chinese neighbor,

with the Puerto Rican bodega on the corner,

and the Italian ice cream parlor where pops would give

me free ice cream floats.

 

You, my first love,

who taught me about my own roots,

with masala scents filling the air at dinner,

with nana telling us of historic epic poems from tapestries hanging in our home.

You, my love,

who showed me how to love dance,

with Navrati,

and love to find rhythm in praying to my goddesses,

With burgundy silk blouses,

and saffron and blue colored scarves,

I danced.

You showed me tranquility,

with my temple,

jasmine scented incense and red carpeting and coconut water juice I’d sip with my hands.

 

 

It was you who built my childhood memories,

watching Yankees games on my father’s shoulders,

dinosaurs at the Museum of Natural History,

the scent of chestnuts at Rockefeller Center,

and lighting candles in St. Patrick’s Cathedral.

 

You,

who let me ride the subways alone for the first time,

took the 1-9,

12 yrs. old with ripped Levis and a Drew Barrymore haircut,

cuttin’ school and sneaking to meet a boy at Manhattan Mall.

You who let me get my ear cartilage pierced when my parents said no.

My first love,

you,

opened doors for me,

in my teenage years,

with Broadway shows and trips to Tower Records for the newest Fugees album,

with Knicks games and Janet concerts at the Garden,

with summers of free Shakespeare in Central Park,

and 25-cent coquitos at my apartment corner.

Sitting on the stoop eating Rays Pizza or Mamou’s,

and sweet  summer nights at outdoor clubs.

 

You, who taught me about lust,

with meeting Hector in Herald Square or dancing salsa at Carbon with Omar,

versus best friend real love,

with Amish,

who let me find myself,

and didn’t care if we were eating on Columbus Ave. or rummaging for books at Strand or walking through street fairs in Battery Park.

 

I found my own style with you,

Looking for sneakers in Brooklyn,

To hitting up the village for new belly button rings,

and African scarves,

To trying on expensive dresses and shoes at Saks Fifth Avenue.

 

You led me to foreign films at Lincoln Center,

to art galleries near the piers,

to waiting in line to hear Salman Rushdie or Maya Angelou speak at bookstores in Union Square.

 

You, my love

Who taught me about reality,

With visits to soup kitchens in Harlem.

Reality,

kids crying from no food and babies restless from addiction,

I saw hurt.

In Harlem where you taught me of a history,

of her-story,

of Zora Neal Hurston and opened my heart to writing.

You,

who inspired me to romance my pen,

My first love,

You gave me courage to share,

in Alphabet City, you showed me the Nuyorican poetry slams,

And blew my mind away,

You blew my mind away.

 

In college, you, my love, taught me to love a new vision behind the lens,

with photos of lights tangled in trees in Times Square,

snaps of fathers holding daughters’ hands walking up the stairs of The Met,

eyes of tourists from far away lands at Ellis Island.

 

Click,

I captured hope.

 

My first love,

you empowered me,

Me,

with my student visitor pass to the UN,

feeling small in a big building and big in my own world for being there,

as I listened to changes being made for the world’s women, I felt it inside,

I felt it inside.

 

My love,

It was then for the first time I felt you sting my heart,

you taught me to console my friends who lost their parents and godmothers,

who couldn’t find their sister, or cousin or gay lover.

And you let it happen.

You let my world crumble for a moment,

with ignorance,

with hate slogans and fear,

you made me cry showing me post 9-11 memorials everywhere,

and a heavy feeling,

that won’t pass.

But you showed me strength and I grew to love you more,

and more.

It’s hard now being away from you,

my love,

things are different now.

I don’t see you that often and when I say I love it here,

 my new home,

I feel guilty,

sometimes,

like I’ve left you behind,

like I’ve forgotten where I’ve come from,

who knows me so well.

But I haven’t forgotten,

 and when I see you again,

it rushes back,

Scents and sounds and all of it,

fills me, takes over me.

My first love,

You make my knees weak,

you are my heart,

you give me soul,

and nothing can replace you.

It’s always been just you.

My first love,

New York, NY.

It’s you.

Felt like the ocean was my heart

Kept walking

and with every step,

water fit perfectly between my toes.

Sand kept me grounded

And I was one

with my heart.

Turned my head

to find you,

you didn’t take your shoes off,

Like I did,

but it still felt amazing,

because it was mine.

And I loved every second, minute of my heart.

Walk right by

And don’t notice

how beautiful

this ocean is.

Never stopped

to watch the waves

crashing.

It was powerful

And gentle

like my love.

A black and white photograph

White waves against black sky,

felt surreal.

And I turned around,

my heart called you

to come

beside me.

Come inside my heart,

it’s so warm,

it loves everything around it,

it will calm your fears of us,

please, just step in

my waters.

But you were

 Far

And couldn’t see me.

Ocean sounds

drowned any noise around me and in me.

And somehow,

I didn’t mind,

didn’t feel lonely,

felt right.

The way I was.

Just walking in the ocean

of my heart.